30th November 2013

Sonnet 28

Heeey! Back on message here endeth my plight,

Time to put those lonely demons to rest

Since we got reconnected  thru' the night:

No constant updates made me feel oppressed.

The moon; the sun, and planets yet to reign,

Spin  x-rays to a waiting dark; while me -

I hear my networks's satellite complain

It's eight long hours since I received from thee.

Meanwhile... the ex has texted (not that bright

But I see she's still got those tits like heaven)

What's torturing me is what you did last night?

We were exclusive under yester's 'eaven!

    Satellites collide ...but whose lasts longer?

    My screen's screaming: it's her signal's stronger!

29th November 2013

Sonnet 27

There's  no such time as a good time for bed,

Come midnight and I'm nowhere near tired -

Updating my status, texts in my head:

Need for 8 hours nod has long since expired .

Front of face  where I let my mob. abide

Thru' the wee small hours  - loves, I yet tweet thee,

It's dark but my screen's 3 light inches wide,

Some toute suite scroldown's what I want to see. 

Moby's gone AWOL it's out of my sight!

My wallpaper's you in full frontal view!!

I don't think I can make it through tonight ,

Sweet updates keep me abreast of what's new,

    Love's instant recall ... what I had in  mind...

    Just can't remember... who I want to find...

28th November 2013

Sonnet 26


It's obvious - being wed's like vassalage;

Twenty years down the line and your brow's knit

With his moods - there's way too much ambassage

Required by me to make-up for his "wit".

If I had the courage I'd take what's mine,

(But no pre-nups way back then to show it,

It was just what belongs to me is thine :

We were young!  We wanted to bestow it!

These days the missus is only moving

Him to boredom with her nagging aspect,

It's been some time since we felt like loving;

Blame my lunar cycle in that respect,

    Me feels like  same old me - like thee's still thee...

    Or is there something you want to tell me?

27th November 2013

Sonnet 25

No matter how well matched we were in the stars

Now, "She doesn't understand me"s your boast,

Ten grand's been spent on lapdancers in bars -

All I'd charge is peace and quiet at most.

Under our bed your fave centrefold spread

Laid out on a plate like feast for your eye:

Torn-up lovesex got dead and buri'ed

In the place where Romantics go to die.

If we add up my net sexual worth

(Disregard  extra-maritals  I foiled),

I'm not sure...but I don't think that it quite

Covers 20 years of "I do" sex toiled...

    What's left can still be priceless and beloved:

    Just get my MasterCard limit removed...

26 November 2013

Sonnet 24

I love you, Ryan Reynolds, your buff steeld

Torso in my Metro today  I heart

(Even though you've got some romcom chick held

Next to your smooth chest) you , work of art.

Who cares how much it takes director's skill -

Through  loves' lenses the camera never lies

I swear to you he looked straight at me still

Dream of him undressing me with his eyes.

Please could we meet once today's filming's done?

 Understand how you're at the heart of me,

See, it's not some celeb A-lister sun

Fake tanning- what transforms me's thee.

    If  look don't touch is what's movie star art -

    I'll stick  your DVD on in my heart .

25th November 2013

Sonnet 23

Our handhelds hold us at honeymoon stage,

That bit when we're both sooooo excited part,

Before our accumulations of rage

Built anti-viral firewalls round our heart.

My new contract's worth 3,000 texts, say:

3,000 sends of the "message to" rite

Should be sufficient to halt love's decay -

But you don't use yes/no, it's  maybe...might.

I'm sick of dead end screen tied eloquence,

How about sexting - a pic of my breast?

For you tongue tied guys it's the recompense,

How our virtual commitment gets expressed.

    There's built-in obsolescence in what's writ,

    A pic says more than too predictive wit.

24th November 2013

Sonnet 22

Vodka's the antidote to looking old,

Every night's date night like it's our first date -

Six shots and I'm still a sight to behold,

Who needs fantasy sex to expiate

Long nights in the marital sack with thee,

It helps not to take it too much to heart

When you say RiRi's rear view's not like me,

Suggesting I get sexy body art.

When you've tanked a bottle I get wary,

(Since every night's the same) I know you will

Turn on the full nasty, mean and chary -

This excess consumption's making me ill.

    I'll dim down the lights til sleep's got you slain:

    Once you're sober - I'll look my  age again.

23rd November 2013

Sonnet 21


Took a degree in First class Honours Muse,

My life's study was the life in your verse;

What wasn't musing me you couldn't use,

Our relationship was yours to rehearse.

Who would name the females you could compare

Me as muse to? (your live shows are all gems),

The "W" in WAGs  on tour is rare;

I'd rather stay home to let down some hems.

The mistake I made?  That you'd always write

Like before you thought that fame made it all fair .

Now it transpires I'm not so bright,

Me and those groupies both breath the same air.

    What you channel'd through them and me as well -

    Musically speaking it's all yours to sell.

22nd November 2013

Sonnet 20


Post-op we don't get all camouflage painted,

 We're all real laydees with a high-heeled passion,

Chelsea and me - we're already acquainted,

She's ditched the fatigues for a gentler fashion.

Since she whistleblew  life's been rock 'n' rolling:

There's hot (and not) guys who're wanting to gazeth

On the top state secret she'd been controlling :

How their wives don't guess that's what me amazeth.

It was Eve's rib God stole when he created

Nasty, short, brutish man no-one's a-doting;

Testosterone poor jocks fear they're defeated -

Ah! Pricks in female evolution, nothing

    Compares to gender bender's hidden pleasure -

    My member's shrunk back to love's  tiny treasure !

21st November 2013

Sonnet 19


I heart her adorable little paws,

My pug's much cuter than your human brood,

Okay she's got inbred eyes; snout and jaws -

We both paid dear for this pedigree's blood.

Down the park, she's really not the fleet'st,

Do you think she's having a happy time?

She's on a diet, please don't throw her sweets!

They're like wee humans: being fat's a crime.

It's true she's allowed a deep furrow'd brow,

The whole jolie laide thing inspires my pen;

Her toilet training's execrable,  allow

Her this though - she pees straighter than most men...

    ...I've got a handbag pet, is that so wrong?

    Used with Touche Éclat* she helps me look young.


*Indispensable beauty product by YSL

20th November 2013

Sonnet 18

Cohabiting prior to the Big Day

Renders emotions a tad more temperate,

The revolution of our first kiss (1st May)

Was over once we set our nuptials date.

A cycling! honeymoon beneath French skies -
             /                 /         
  Liberte and egalite get dimmed
                                    /   \
On bikes, fraternite   a  deux declines,

Mon Dieu she's left both her armpits untrimmed.

A few days home and the tan begins to fade,

Our la vie en rose  was borrowed not ow'st,

Hopes for nouvelle cuisine die in the shade -

Only me heating what Tesco grow'st.

Here's one ingredient I didn't see:

You've ousted me and left in royal thee! 

19th November 2013

Sonnet 17

I was waiting for my latte to come,

Casting an eye over Costas' desserts

(I need strong caffeine to get out my tomb

It kickstarts all the poet's vital parts)

But there were lots of little infant eyes

Unschool'd by mums in coffeeshop graces;

You know how it feels, I'll tell you no lies -

I really object to their fresh wee faces.

This hasbeen mum's got to that certain age,

And finds it hard to hold  an angry tongue

With a forc'ed smile not venting her rage :

 She won't join in your tired old nursery song.

It's no sticky fingers in my foam time -

The only symmetry I want's this rhyme.

18th November 2013

Sonnet 16

Now I heart speed dating the online way

(Does "Virgins Only" count as grooming?). Time

To arrest singleton status decay:

Laydees love that  my sexy loadings  rhyme.

O babe! We can snapchat for hours and hours

Let's get our privacy settings unset;

No big cheffy meals or bunches of flowers:

We both know it's real life that's counterfeit .

Surfing's left my hard drive beyond repair,

Which annuls all  paper marriage by pen;

But my trusty handset's to hand (sounds fair

Comment re you commitment phobic men

And maids not putting out).  Young love is still!

(Ye olde coupling's not really much skill).

17th november 2013

Sonnet 15


When you're with child, how much your belly grows

Gets set at your Mum's conception moment,

Good breeding will out and a bad gene shows,

Was it "Mum" or "Dad" to blame?  No comment.

My boobees too, they suffered huge increase

(In fact they're DD).  Blood pressure?  Sky

High, if not treated they claimed I'd decease:

Scalpel cut fat, that's my birth memory.

Then, holding our daughter, I prayed she'd stay

Not much like me but without your short sight,

Not always snacking, free of tooth decay,

Not posting angry sonnets late at night.

Your genes were what attracted me to you;

Love's same old same old: it's just kids are new.

16th November 2013

Sonnet 14

Astrology's not astronomy. Pluck

A star's sign from thin air.  Astronomy -

That's science. Astrology - that's your luck

And lends a horoscope it's quality.

Our stars are perfectly matched! we would tell

Each other in bed;  sly woodworm and wind

Ran rampant round it's squeaky old frame, well

I loved that bed, it was a vintage find.

What would gullible young lovers derive

From a predictive text of Russell's*  art?

Relationships - it's 50:50 thrive;

So why not try believing  stars convert? 

As astral scientists prognosticate,

Let's pin that starstruck hope on our birthdate. 


*Russell Grant,  Celeb Astrologer.

15th November 2013

Sonnet 13

Oh Love! It's not all about who you are;

Those ball skills, the cash, the place where you live,

WAGS* past and  present  want you to prepare

Your cell life legacy - it's time to give.

Like a supercar on short HP lease,

Star of life's Gumball Rally as it were,

Superb at the chequered flag: then decease,

When your sweet issue your sweet form should bear.

(That's when the brand's at high risk from decay,

Unless Junior's got your genes to uphold,

Life's a game of two halves at end of day:

When you're hot you're hot and then we're just cold.)

Brave this nothing**! (Will is quite crude you know,

The sonnets are betwixt legs intro, so...) 


* Wives and Girlfriends - commonly used in context of footballers.
** Elizabethan slang for vagina.
;

14th November 2013

Sonnet 12

Three score years and ten can't be my man time

Now there's bare difference 'tween daylight and night-

24/7 rolling - all time's  prime

Minus grey news it's my black, it's my white.

Young fiancées and wives shower like leaves

Round Rupert - I'm mogul  king of the herd -

They can't get enough of my huge shares and sheaves,

(Cash 'n' power) - how d'yall love my hipster beard?

Yeah yeah the kids aren't too chuffed ; they'll make

Me leave a mint.  I'm way too big to go

Down  like The Sun,  the corps(e) I can't forsake:

So I've offshore'd some deep freeze me to grow.

Turns out this old hack's wealth proves no defence

To Nature's GBH -  Get  Babies Hence .







  

13th November 2013

Sonnet 11


She should just have another you grow'st

So if (when?)  the present you's departest

There's no need for kids to be bestow'st -

Science has us forever convertest.

This world's too small to hold how we increase,

Now we're breeding faster than we decay

It's not in our nature to stop, refrain, cease:

We just can't bear that "me" might fade away.

Those who can't stretch to eternal self-store

(That's the  new natural selection)  perish,

It's a Brave New World or it's you no more;

Plus more resources for us to cherish!

There's just rich perennials left thereby

Ensuring it's only the poor who die.



 

12th November 2013

Sonnet 10


You know what... I'd kids before any

Hint you might leave us unprovident,

There were 10 anniversaries too many,

Then we were done, that was self-evident. 

When love left from between us there was hate

Left to eat us, we tried not to conspire

Over the offspring - let's not ruinate

X-mas because of adulterous desire.

 Go with her - I'll take them - No I don't mind;

For her they're just the dregs of married love...

Why should anyone be the martyring kind?

Maternal instinct's not for her to prove.

You know what....No, it doesn't surprise me:

An accident...Another little thee.

11th November 2013

Sonnet 9


Who wants kids when you're in the public eye?

Who wants reality in virtual life?

Who needs a tombstone when you never die?

Who needs dead marriage when the world's your wife?

Who wants to keep it private should one weep?

Who wants not to leave one night stands behind?

Who wants an old cow to have and to keep?

Who wants a monogamous state of mind?

Who wants a life of all save and no spend

(If you've bought a house with a mortgage on it

You'll be paying it off right to the end

Bankers don't lose - you can depend on it)?

Hey guys, all you need's a conscience that sits

Comfortably with life when  no-one commits.

10th November 2013

Sonnet 8

It gets tough on single divas - sadly

Hyperstardom rarely brings spousal joy

To passionate performers who gladly

Wear strange outfits to sing of male annoy.

There's small revenue from recorded sounds:

We want access, not possession for ear,

On the world's stage she dances and confounds

Coupledumbness with guys we shouldn't bear.

Cher Dusty Madonna sing another

Hymn to more even gender ordering:

Sires unrequired by the happy mother,

All by herself one pleasing note WILL sing

Her speechless songs. The many, seeming one,

Mouths back to she: one's much more than none*

*"One is no number; maids are nothing then/ Without the sweet
     society of men"

Chrisopher Marlowe, Hero and Leander 

9th November 2013

Sonnet 7

   
You've played out our sex life by cell phone light,

Paid for some short attention from it's eye,

Homaged young exotics bought to your sight -

Pulled off small morning glory majesty.

But now we've climbed that steep-up heavenly hill,

It's mortgage endowment measures your age,

The same fore-duteous nag waiting still

For that  promised big world cruise pilgrimage.

Let's sell the midlife crisis two seat car,

Forget feeble prostate threat for today;

We don't need to tell junior where we are -

Give him the house , he'll look the other way.

     Maybe alone we'll find ahem high noon,

     Some unlooked on peace  - Sayonara son!

8th November 2013

Sonnet 6

We've got these rogue genetics to deface

From our breeding slots ere we be distilled:

Make some sweet vials, put treasure some place

With selfie treasure, ere it be self killed.

That use is not amoral usury

Which happies those whom don't like Nature's loan -

That's why we need to bred another thee

(It may take ten of you to make that one)

Plus ten times of me - it's happier art

If ten times of us equals me plus thee;

We get to choose the norm from which we depart

Cherry picking breeds sweet posterity.

Eyes - blue or green?  Skin - red, black , brown or fair?

Nature's debt's made good in test tubes of heir.

7th November 2013

 5. Factory Farming

Ladies, our time's fixed in predestined frame

On which it's probably best not to dwell,

Simpler than string theory, but not quite the same

Continuum as spreadsheets from Excel.

Oh that wee digital counter clock's on

Maternity leave's big log off - don't go there

Too long or like snow your job will be gone,

 Career blossoming scattered everywhere.

Alas, too soon! you've no SMP* left;

It's time to break through the ceiling of glass,

That first nursery drop-off leaves you bereft:

Yes it's turned out tough as Mum said  it was.

    Economically active new mums meet,

     Breast milk's too time intensive to taste sweet...



*Statutory Maternity Pay

6th November 2013

Facial Deficit

O  I'm worth this cosi fan tutte spend,

Sooo not happy with mom's scant legacy

Of looks - so I went online for a lend,

Payday loan bought what others got for free.

It's not like plasticity's self-abuse

 Or much more than Mother Nature can give;

She gives wild plants perfect symmetry's use -

Why not those who know it's by looks we live?

Remodelled visages don't die alone,

 Guys mating accept a touch of deceive;

God's harsh lottery of looks long long gone,

I've paid off the debt my stork chose to leave.

    Mum and Dad, this rose won't compare to thee:

    I got to choose the face  I was meant be.

5 th November 2013

Sonnet 3

He's the conception I paid to viewest;

Just look at him! (might there  be another?),

Saw his egg ex-utero  renewest;

Syringe in loco parentis'd   mother.

Biblically, BC* meant a barren womb -

So angels' immaculate husbandry

Kicked big stones  from infertility's tomb:

Or was it  storks who  brought posterity?

Now he's my  pixelated little thee,

I'm mum, he's he and we're no magic prime:

 Two not three ( Dad he I don't want to see -

 Be it Cain or Abel I don't have time.)

    The Old Testament's got too old  to see

    New mysteries of  creation born in thee.


*Before Children

4th November 2013

2. The Consolation of Surgery



This Xmas get me fillers for my brow -

I want more baby smooth than furrowed field,

Three score plus ten  - that's inadequate now

 Us tattered old weeds don't get dearly held.

Ageing gracefully was a pile of lies

Believed in  bad old pre-procedure days,

Smile with what  nature intended as  eyes -

 Mum's Day pert boob job seeks young lustys' praise!*

 Madonna paps like  Lourde's twin -  she'll use

Some Doc to the Stars (saving up for mine):

Morphing into her kid, so no excuse

For a butt that hangs down like mine and  thine.

    The younger you look the shorter you're old;

    Sexing-up Death keeps us hot when blood's cold!

*Alternatively - "Guys - great cock jobs (Will) sum up lusty praise."

3rd November 2013

 1. Birthright


Guys! Because I'm worth it I will increase 

Before these in-house eggs get time to die,

I can't be left Ms. Sad Solo ( decease'd);

I should be some kid's treasure'd memory.

She'll look just like Mum with her big blue eyes -

I've multiple choice'd blond DNA fuel,

Perfection plus - that's where our future lies;

Not joining  eggs with A1 sperm's just cruel!

No chance foetus is world's fresh  ornament -

My cash gets to choose it's own gaudy spring,

Nothing's random in this baby's content -

Birth by Facebook rocks, so quit niggarding.

    She'll be mini me or she's not to be:

    ChoosetheDad.com guaranteed top "thee"!